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02.08.03 Dear Glenn, I can't believe I am wrting this. This is so surreal. I miss you so much. Everyone keeps waiting for you to call or drive up. You were such a wonderful loving person. God Damn this insidious disease and the the evil addiction in your head that stole you from us. I know you fought hard everyday. I know it was a constant struggle. I know that you probably only fought it for us sometimes. Everything you did in your life the past two years was to help others and get closer to your family. You fought so hard and I WILL ALWAYS BE SO PROUD OF YOU. I hope that you can feel how much we loved you. I hope that you are finally at peace from this constant war that ravaged inside you. I'm typing with tears in my eyes to try and make sense of everything....I can't believe I will never see you again. You were so cool. So fun. So loving. We miss you so much and our hearts are empty and broken. In your peace please watch over us. With all my love, Your brother John
2.10.03 Dear Glenn, I was just thinking about how I used to drive you to get your Methadone"dose" everyday. I was thinking about how you had to get some "to go" in Detroit. I was thining of the time you were almost out cold and I had to practrically drag you into UMASS emergency room...I remember how bad they treated you cuz you were a "junkie". I felt so helpless. I would say I can get you into this clinic or this place and you were always so skeptical saying "you just don't understand" "they won't take me"...Unfortunately you were right a lot of the times. The worst was when you wanted to get off methadone and go to an inpatient and they said you were on too much methadone and that they would have to keep you in outpatient for 2 weeks to gradually decrease your dose...so it was back to the streets...But man you survived all that beauracratic red tape crap and you got yourself CLEAN for 18 months. I gave you your one year coin man....I cried that night with joy...Tonight I can't look at this page as I type 'cause I see your face smiling at me in the picture above and it breaks my heart. I miss you so much. You made my life so much fun. You made me laugh. You connected with me. I can't believe your gone. Please tell me I'm dreaming. john 6.01.03 Its been 4 months and I can honsetly say that it has not been any easier lately. I am still so sad. I still think you are going to call or come over any time now. I don't feel any better. I'm not a very religous person but this is enough to make me want to just forget all my common sense and just become one of these people that talk about "a better place" and "we'll meet in heaven" and all that...I think I need to lie to myself and tell myself that its all true just to get through this sad sad life. I wish you would have died in a car accident...or cancer...or any other way than the way you did. So alone. So godamm alone. Thats all for now. |
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